A lot has changed since you've been gone, your family imploded and is 2 entirely new entities. A new life has come to bless us, but there is still a girl-shaped hole where you should be. The boys are growing up and moving along. Boy #1, your friend and cohort quietly cried when he heard the news, Boy #2 locked himself in his room and wouldn't come out. His father had to take his door off, he scared us so. He wouldn't talk for the next 24 hours. That was the hardest thing, to watch them in such pain, not being able to make it go away. Then the worrying started, you know that suicide is contagious, so I watched them like a mama hawk, to make sure they wouldn't follow you. I told them this was NOT an option!
Most of the whys have floated away, not being anchored by answers. Guilt still lives in my heart and soul as if I could have stopped you from so far away, blissfully ignorant of your pain. The one lingering question I have, why didn't you call me? You know I would have listened. You were my girl too, just enough of me in there that you could have been my daughter ( I sure loved you like one).
Did you get this from me? (I know that's not possible) Could I have helped you? When I was a teenager, I contemplated suicide many, many times, I just never tried. I still have times I wish I was dead, I just don't ever think about doing it myself anymore, I have a major depressive disorder and take antidepressants to minimize the symptoms.
Sadly, life moves along without you. I wonder if you see us and what is happening in our lives and what you think of it. I also think about the things you would be doing right now if you were still here. You would be 17. You would have your driver's license (#1 still won't get his, but maybe you could have talked him into it) because you would have wanted freedom! You and he could have skyped and kept in touch better. He finally has a cell phone that he actually uses, but it doesn't have your number in it, you were already gone when he got it.
We can't bear to unfriend you on facebook, that seems so real (permanant), like cutting you out of our lives, but your final status updates [Well another busy busy day..:(..yeah my tummy really hurts and im tired hopefully i will sleep tonight..but we will see..??? · March 17, 2010 at 12:00am via mobile] are so clearly (in hindsight) cries for help. I did try to reach out, but you didn't respond. Maybe I should have tried harder (could I have helped?).
We're just getting to the point where we can think of you and remember the good times and smile. A point where I'm not afraid to mention you to the boys and am able answer their questions without fear. It's Spring Break here this week, for this I am thankful as I will have them home with me.
This is the post I have been writing and rewriting in my head for weeks. It would have been my first post, but I'm glad it's not. My first post evoked happy (if scary) memories, not sad.
I hope that anybody reading this can get a glimpse of the beautiful, intelligent, snarky, funny girl that I and the rest of my family love and miss so much still!
Son #1 & Victoria, the last time they saw each other
Victoria, cool chick
Victoria Marie Lourcey
25 Jan 1995~~~21 Mar 2010
If anybody reading this is feeling hopeless or crazy sad, please reach out to somebody, anybody. Call a hotline, talk to a friend or family member, if they don't take you seriously, talk to someone else. Do anything to avoid ending your own life. I know it sounds like a cliche, but whatever is wrong, it will get better. But suicide is permanent, there is no fixing that, and no healing for those left behind, just learning to live again without you.
